When My Tomorrows are too heavy!

 

I am worn out, O Lord; have pity on me! 

Give me strength; 

I am completely exhausted.

 Psalm 6:2

   We have such good news. Our daughter is engaged and getting married in 7 months. I am both thrilled and overwhelmed. Not by the planning, not by the groom or the timing, but by the fact that I just don't know how I am going to handle it physically. I want so much to do it all and be involved in everything in every way...but unless God lends a miraculous hand that will not be possible. It is so easy to get wrapped up in worry about what I won't be able to do tomorrow. It is so easy to be burdened today about what I think I won't be able to enjoy tomorrow. There is so much I would do if I were healthy. We are creative, Mikaela and I would hand make many things. We would save money by doing the cooking ourselves. But I know I can't do that. They have no money for caterers, and our bank account is in the negative just trying to keep our kids in college, in clothes, and fed. My body begins to feel heavier. I fret. Yep, I like that word, Fret. It's less damning than the word worry isn't it? So lets call it fretting. Well I'm fretting because I don't think I can handle it. How in the world can I not handle my own daughter's wedding? I'm such a loser. Will I sit to the side like some wilted useless flower, people glancing at me with piteous expressions of concern and  distaste. What is the color of a wilted flower? Maybe I should buy a m.o.b. dress in that color, just get right to the point and get it over with. His family wants to cook for 400 people, I suggest snacks for 50. They may want a typical Quechua wedding, a three day celebration, I want two hours. ( Yes, the groom is Quechua, an Andean Indian) My friends have all offered to help. Can I get organized enough with all my brain fog to even know what to ask of them? The idea of asking and even receiving help lays heavy on my spirit. Why?  I'm fretting again.

 “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life,

 what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear.

 But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, 

and all these things will be given to you as well. 

                        Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself."
                                                                  Matthew 6:25f

     Does Jesus really mean what he says? If so why do I not take heed more consistently? If I trust Him, then I will not worry about tomorrow. He will take care of tomorrow if I am seeking His Kingship in my life today. Seek ye first the kingdom of heaven means to seek to live under his authority. So as I do this today he will take care of my tomorrow, no questions asked, "punto final". Give it up Debra. Tomorrow is not yours to worry about. God really does have control and he will take care of me, and my daughter and the wedding and the guests... I don't know how, but I don't have to know because he does. 

     Deep breath. I am already beginning to feel my wilted faith grow strong again just in reminding myself that Jesus means what he says.

         "You, Lord, are all I have, and you give me all I need; my future is in your hands." Psalm16:5 


  At this point in my life, as soon as I speak the truth into my own life I can to let go and let God. I have lived in worry and it never made any positive effect on the thing which I worried about. . But the daily pain and exhaustion often dredges up that old worry paradigm that I used to live by. In reality it is that very pain that has taught me that what Jesus says he really means. I can trust him, and I never need to add a "but" when I claim his providence for my tomorrow. Today I seek His face. Today he reminds me that tomorrow is not mine. But today is. I may be feeling really bad today, my legs weak under the strain of the pain, my heart beats fast rushing the blood to my already throbbing head. I will accomplish very little today but I can thank him, I can worship him, I can read His word and be strengthened in it. Pain no longer has the privilege of being a thief in my life, because I trust in Him. Peace. Trust brings peace in the pain, in the exhaustion, even in the uncertainties of my life.
Today  my trust muscle had a pretty big work out, and it paid off. I am at peace with myself and with the wedding. 

            "She is strong and respected and not afraid of the future." Proverbs 31:25