What is the color of waiting?

   My shoulders sag under the weight of this helmet of metal I wear. But most days its the darkness within the helmet that bothers me most. Lost within the walls of this headpiece are some names of people I know well, most of my Spanish verb conjugations, and numbers, lots of numbers. It is also where phrases get jumbled and words get reversed. One bad egg is better than 3 in a bush right? Once in a while these things bounce into view, but not usually when I need them. ha.

   I only have a small slit to peer through in this head gear. It can make me want to scream, "I can't see where I'm going!!! Help me God I'm blind!!!" But usually God uses my limited view to focus my attention on the right things. It doesn't matter that she has blue hair and wears culottes; she's lived to that age where she should be able to wear whatever she wants! So his underwear shows? Who cares, its just white cotton! So what if the guy about to dive in is wearing a tight white see through speedo, its only...oh wait, that does bother me...somethings I can't focus beyond. Why is it so hard to keep your eyes off such shockingly gross displays? But seriously, God uses my pain to focus my attention on what really matters.

   At this point God is focusing the lens of my life on Him alone! I know that isn't anything shocking. Isn't that what our attention is always supposed to be focused on? Lately my exhaustion level  paired with back pain has been so that I can't do anything much at all. Not even ministry. I'm not getting much done around the house either. After much navel gazing, God is forcing me to focus away from the lint for a while.  I don't feel useful. I don't feel like I'm able to live purposefully, or be of any great help to anyone else. What's the use of me? I'm living without living? I'm apparently good for nothin!

And God said, "JUST WAIT!"

Well that's easier said than done!!!

   I've been reading Waiting on God, by Andrew Murray.

     "We are so accustomed to judge of God and His work in us by what we feel, that the great probability is that when we begin more to cultivate the waiting on Him, we shall be discouraged, because we do not find any special blessing from it."

And that is where I often find myself.  Murray says further,

"...if it be true that our highest blessedness in in having as much of God as we can; if it be true that Christ has redeemed us wholly for God, and made a life of continual abiding in His presence possible, nothing less ought to satisfy than to be eery breathing this blessed atmosphere, " I wait on Thee."

   If I cannot serve another, what am I worth? Much of my life has been painted with the bright strokes of service. Each stroke was done with a strong hand, guided by the Artist of Creation I hope. I have waited little in choosing each touch of mauve, ocher, or maple. They seemed to be obvious color choices at the time. But now I sit with my brush, and nothing moves me. So God says "Wait!"

   How am I to know what my finished portrait is to look like, if I do not know what my maker intended? How can I even imagine what my maker intended if I do not know him better?  This suit of Armour may be extra restrictive today, but I can still see God. I can see Him in His word, in the rain that falls and nourishes the flowers outside my window, I can see Him through the eyes of many great men and women of God who have experienced him and written beautiful works about who he is. I can meet him in mediation and prayer. I can sense him in the quiet of the room.  I can do this all day long. I have enforced "be still" time.

   Why have I always held service to others as the best service to give my God? He has stripped even this good from my life on many days, so that my service will be to Him alone, through love, adoration, and worship, through spending time in his word, and with his people of old. If I can do no good for anyone around me, is this enough that I give my time to him, waiting on him for the next brush stroke of color? I Wonder what the color of Waiting will turn out to be. If I give the waiting the value its due, maybe it will be a peaceful blue that back-lights my life.

'Be strong, and let your heart take courage, all ye that wait for the Lord'  Psalm 31:24  Even the psalmist knew how hard it is to wait. We need strength and courage to do it!

Starting out and what really doesn't matter!

Did you notice I have capitalized random words on this page. Maybe you noticed that I spelled Armour with a u, the British spelling? (a hold over from my early education in Africa) Well, My husband pointed it out immediately. Before I started having Chronic pain, this would have bothered me and been immediately corrected. Now, I don't care. So what? So it will probably always be there. I've rearranged my priorities, and getting every thing right is no longer one of those top priorities. Pain will do that to you. Age will sometimes do that to you as well I think. Have you ever had your child ask you, "You are not going out like that are you?" I'm not a slouch, I do care about how I look, but I'm obviously not always up to snuff.  If you pay close attention to me, you can probably begin to figure out how high my pain is or at least how well I'm managing it by how I appear in public. Are my clothes nicely ironed, coordinated and matched with appropriate footwear? Then Its a pretty good day. Are my clothes comfy looking but a bit crumpled, maybe have a recent coffee stain on the front of my shirt, and paired with my old tennis shoes? Then most likely I'm not doing that good, despite the smile on my face. Now if I show up in my fuzzy red crocks that are 2 sizes too big and are half chewed up by my beagle, then its probably a really bad day! Believe me, It happens!!

I titled my blog "Living Life in a suit of Armour" because that is what it feels like to live with chronic pain. Its weighty and uncomfortable, makes it hard to move, and it makes you feel very unpretty!! Ok, so my spell checker says that unpretty isn't a word. Well it is now. Wearing this suit of armour is for the birds, but it has developed me into a much stronger, compassionate, empathetic person than I would have been if I had never had it placed on me. I hope to share here, some of those strengthening moments, some of those overwhelming moments, and most of all, How God is using even this to bring Him glory.